when being strong is all you can be...

touching more on the last blog i posted...

hearing about what happened yesterday hit me really hard on a selfish kind of lonely level. my husband wakes up everyday a little before 4am, goes to school and doesnt get home until late sometimes close to 7pm depending on the day...he sees mikayla for maybe 30 min max, eats, goes to sleep and does it all over again...on the weekends is too tired to do anything and even help out with mikayla sometimes.. there is no husband and wife time...(to talk, hang out,etc) now our marriage has been tested more than enough times in the past 2 years, and this past year has not helped giving the circumstances...so what i want to know is am i a selfish wife because i want to spend time with my husband & make this marriage work? because i want to make memories as a family? .. i know there is plenty of times that i feel he could do more on the weekends to be a part of this family and he knows that.. i felt that since day one .. i was alone my whole pregnancy, sitting in an apt in AL..while he went to class, got to hang out with friends, and do whatever before thinking of me.. he never cared a bit to take part then...and when i hear him say things will ve different now i just wonder if it will get any better.. ( now call me crazy for even putting that much of my life in a blog because sometimes i feel people shouldn't but i truly want answers on what to do ya know )... i wake up, spend time with mikayla all day, signed up for a monthly tanning membership that i dont use but only once a month because i cant leave mikayla here alone when her dad is sleeping and too tired to hear her wake up...i get no break and i hate hearing people complain about not getting to "go out" or do whatever. i signed up for this, i love nothing more than my daughter she is my pride and joy but sometimes as an adult you need sanity and to not feel isolated...and being parents are supposed to work as a team not one person do all the work and the other one get credit. some people are lucky enough to be by famiy and friends or have older siblings to help out..well all mikayla has is her mommy, which explains why she probably is a mommys girl because thats all she knows and is with..i just want things better, im way too young to be feeling like this...
i got married to have a husband and we had a child to become a family...yet it doesnt feel that way...i feel i may have my husband here yet at the same time he's not...he is that much closer to finishing this school and then getting to a unit and having to do VIPS and deploy, will that truly get any better with him being away more?...